Here is what would the perfect scenario for Robin$on Cano’s return to Yankee Stadium tonight:
CC Sabathia gets Cano to roll over on a breaking pitch and he grounds the ball weakly to Brian Roberts at second base. Cano loafs out of the batter’s box because, after all, you have to protect your hamstrings at all times. But Roberts bobbles the ball and it squirts away. Cano sees the bobble and speeds up but Roberts recovers and nips him by a step at first base.
That would make Yankee fans get up off their feet for a standing ovation. It is tribute to your legacy as a Yankee after all.
Although the newest Seattle Mariners millionaire seems to believe he left the Bronx on good terms with the fans and his teammates, he is sorely mistaken.
Cano left the Yankees for two reasons: (1) He was jealous over the seven-year, $153 million contract for which the Yankees signed Jacoby Ellsbury. Ellsbury, in Cano’s mind, is an inferior player to him and Ellsbury was overpaid. (2) Cano was looking for a 10-year contract worth $310 million and he knew the Yankees were not going to give it to him.
So Cano did what any self-respecting money whore would do and jumped a plane to Seattle to meet with Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik to tell him that he would sign for $240 million as long as he could get his 10-year deal. The Mariners agreed and Cano parted ways with the only team he had ever known.
Now things in Seattle are a lot different. While the Yankees routinely go to the playoffs and have a roster filled with All-Stars and Hall of Fame players, the Mariners roster is filled with free agents other teams don’t want and young players who have yet to show any true potential.
But Cano told reporters he loves Seattle because the fans are still hung over about the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl that they don’t really care about the Mariners winning so much. He also said that the atmosphere is less tense. That is so very good to know, Robin$on.
That means they can cheer you as you hit about 18 home runs and drive in 80 runs while hitting .290 and collecting your $24 million as they team barely wins 70 games year after year after year.
It also frees Robin$on to not get his uniform dirty diving for ground balls because the team is not going anywhere anyway. It also allows him to loaf around the bases as he loves to do because hustling just doesn’t make him look cool. The emphasis is always on looking cool out there.
I am sure Robin$on will set a great example to the young players on the Mariners who have never seen a World Series ring or even know what the playoffs are like unless they bought a ticket or tuned into a broadcast of one. They will see that keeping that uniform clean and not straining to hurt those quads or hamstrings so you can stay healthy enough to collect fat paychecks is the way to go.
Those young Mariners will be laughing from the dugout as Derek Jeter sprints hard to first base on that surgically repaired ankle on a routine come-backer to the pitcher. They will say, “Robin$on is right. Why hustle on a play like that when you are so obviously going to get thrown out 99 out of 100 times.”
Yes, you have to save that energy. There is spring training and 162 games to play. Plus, since we are not playing in October we get to rest up, eating all the nachos, wings and drinking all the beer we want before getting ready for the next season of failure.
So you got to protect those legs. You are no good to the team if you are hurt. Relax.
The fans don’t care either. They are only happy when “King Felix” tosses a shutout or Cano hits a double off the wall. Home runs are hard to come by at Safeco Field but doubles are like manna from heaven.
So there are no real hard feelings from the fans, Robin$on. Why should there be. The Yankees gave your number 24 to a journeyman infielder Scott Sizemore this spring. They signed a 36-year-old switch-hitter in Roberts who will actually bunt, dive, steal and hustle because he cares about the game he is playing right.
The Yankees also added a No. 3 hitter in Carlos Beltran who will occasionally hit the other way against a shift. He also has made a career of actually playing his best in the postseason. Beltran carries a .333 average with 16 home runs and 40 RBIs in only 180 at-bats in the postseason.
You, on the other hand, are hitting .222 with eight homers and 33 RBIs in 203 at-bats in the postseason. But, you are correct that you get paid the same whether you hit .333 or .222. So why sweat it?
All those days of less pressure are worth it when you are making good money to play a game that comes so easy to a talented player like yourself. The fact that you are playing with an organization that has not seen the postseason since 2001 and is not looking like it will be going back in the coming 10 years is good enough for you and good enough for those fans.
This October when you have nothing to do will give you plenty of time to count you money. Here is a tip for you, Robin$on. Have one of those young Mariners players count it for you while you soak in your hot tub in the palace you bought in Seattle.
Send out another one of those young players for the Pike Street Market to pick you up some fresh salmon. Then you have a another one of those youngsters cook it for you on your custom four-surface grill out by the pool. Then you can have some of those adoring Seattle female fans feed it to you while they gently fan you with some palm leaves.
Ahhhh! This Seattle life is just great for you Robin$on. No worries. No distractions. You make the Hall of Fame out here and you did not even have to really work for it as your team sinks to last each season.
We, the fans in the Bronx, wish you all the best, Robin$on. Those 10 years will go by quickly so please savor each one. By the way, the Yankees soon will be on television playing for the American League championship. You better have your big screen theater system properly installed for it.
Some Yankee fans got together and attempted to ship some baby pacifiers to Robinson Cano. How appropriate!
Temper, temper, Robbie! Tsk! Tsk!
Cano, 31, as you all know by now, got pissed off when the Yankees offered outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury an eight-year, $169 million contract and took his bats and gloves and run off to the Great Northwest for a 10-year, $240 million deal with the Seattle Mariners.
Hope you did not let the clubhouse door hit you in the rump on the way out, Robinson.
To be clear, it is a shame that a marvelously talented player like Cano has decided to leave the Yankees. He was the best player on the team the past two seasons and his durability was welcome in a disastrous 2013 season that saw the Yankee roster look, at times, like an Independent League All-Star team.
Cano also had a point in looking at Ellsbury’s career statistics compared to his own and conclude that the Yankees were “low-balling” their monetary offer to him. They never really budged off the $175 million they were offering.
But after the excessive deals offered to Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols and Carl Crawford over recent seasons, teams are learning that mega-year contracts for boatloads of cash is not a wise idea. A-Rod has been playing on reputation alone for the past three seasons. Pujols is a walking physical wreck and Crawford is one of the worst fiscal mistakes the Boston Red Sox ever made.
If Cano and his agent Jay-Z had been realistic in the first place with their opening offer it would have been smoother sailing. But they sought $305 million, which would have been a record contract. No team was willing to shell out that much cash for Cano and he had to know it.
Once the Yankees zeroed in on seven years at $165 million the gauntlet was laid. But the chief rivals for Cano, the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Detroit Tigers stepped out of the process.
The Dodgers signed Cuban star Alexander Guerrero to play second and the Tigers traded slugging first baseman Prince Fielder to the Texas Rangers in exchange for All-Star second baseman Ian Kinsler.
Yankees general manager Brian Cashman felt he was in the catbird seat at that point because Cano, at the time, had no other offers. Overtures by Cano’s people made to the New York Mets were turned aside so Cano and his agents came back to the Yankees and lowered their demands to $240 million.
The Yankees, appreciative of the semblance of reality, still were not too keen on extending the contract past eight years and, with no other bidder in sight, they smartly held the line at about $175 million.
The whole situation blew up after ongoing talks by the Yankees with free-agent outfielder Carlos Beltran had broken down. The Yankees shifted gears away from Beltran and they signed Ellsbury for a tidy sum. When Cano read about the monetary details he pitched a hissy fit.
Cano’s father, Jose, issued a statement to the effect that the “Yankees were obviously not interested in keeping Robinson.”
That could not be further from the truth. Cashman and the Yankees were hoping that any offer Cano might have received from other teams could be brought back to the Yankees to give them a chance to match or top it. Now $240 million looks to have been a problem but the Yankees could have extended a year and increased the offer to $200 million.
But Cano did not give the Yankees a chance and he had to shop himself to the Mariners to get what he what he was seeking.
Fortunately, Cano had a willing partner in Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik, who has made his career on just two things: turning out lousy clubs year after year and miscalculating the value of young prospects he has in his system and ones he has acquired in trades.
Let’s look at the Mariners most recent history.
Since 2004, the Mariners have been a losing franchise. They have been below .500 in all but two seasons and have not finished better than second place in the American League West in any of those years.
After the departures of stars like Ken Griffey Jr., A-Rod, Randy Johnson and manager Lou Piniella at the beginning of the new century this franchise has languished, boasting only outfielder Ichiro Suzuki and right-handed ace Felix Hernandez as true stars.
Zduriencik tried to seed the team with prospects by making trades, such as the 2010 deal he made to trade All-Star left-hander Cliff Lee.
The Yankees thought they had a deal for Lee in place, offering their No. 1 prospect Jesus Montero, right-hander Ivan Nova and second baseman David Adams. But Zduriencik balked at Adams because he was recovering from a severe ankle injury. He asked for shortstop Eduardo Nunez instead.
Cashman said no and Zduriencik turned around and shipped Lee to the Texas Rangers for their top prospect, first baseman Justin Smoak.
Smoak, 27, has been an absolute bust. In 2011, Smoak hit a scintillating .234 with 15 home runs and 55 RBIs. In 2012, he floundered like a real flounder at the Pike Street Market.
He hit just .217 with 19 homers and 51 RBIs. Last season he batted .238 with 20 homers and 50 RBIs. A budding Mark Teixeira he’s not.
He is currently listed on the teams 2014 depth chart as a backup to journeyman Logan Morrison, who is a career .249 hitter with a grand total of 42 major-league home runs.
Then there is Zduriencik’s 2012 deal acquiring Montero and right-hander Hector Noesi from the Yankees for right-handers Michael Pineda and Jose Campos.
The Yankees decided to ship out Montero because they had determined he would never become a major-league quality defensive catcher and he would either have to move to another position or become a designated hitter to succeed in the majors.
The Mariners found out the hard way that the Yankees were right. Montero batted .260 with 15 homers and 62 RBIs in 2012, but he started only 55 games as a catcher.
In 2013, Montero not only lost his job as a catcher but he was sent back to the minors after hitting .208 with three home runs and nine RBIs in 29 games. He also suffered a torn meniscus in his right knee that shelved him for most of the season.
Montero, 24, is listed behind Mike Zunino on the team’s depth chart.
This is the team Cano has decided to grace with his presence.
It could be 10 years before Seattle ever gets close to competing with the Oakland Athletics, the Los Angels Angels and the Rangers in the division, much less compete for a playoff spot. Cano does not solve the team’s weak hitting in the outfield and infield, with the exception of third baseman Kyle Seagar.
The pitching with King Felix is competitive enough but the rotation lacks depth and the bullpen is a disaster.
Another point is that over the 10 years of Cano’s contract, a lot of young prospects will be brought up to follow his example. Let’s hope they cover their eyes when Cano raps a easy grounder to an infielder, who boots the ball but still nails him because Cano was loafing out of the batter’s box.
Let’s also hope they are not watching when he drops the bat at the plate thinking he has a home run and gets tossed out at second base because he did not run hard. That is a Cano trademark that manager Joe Girardi played off casually to the media but it chafed his chestnuts to the core.
Speaking of home runs. Robinson, you won’t be hitting as many of those in spacious Safeco Field. Your home run totals should drop back to the 20 to 25 mark or so because you line most of your shots.
You can also kiss goodbye having your number retired in Monument Park. That would have made you the first Dominican so honored. You also will not pass some the greats of the game on the franchise’s offensive categories list. You also will miss out on the division tiles, playoff games and championship rings. Lucky you got that 2009 ring squirreled away. That will be the only one you get.
It is shame you let your temper get the better of your good judgment.
Now you will be booed when you come to Yankee Stadium on April 29 with the rest of the no-name band you are hanging with these days. That is a shame, also.
You were a magnificent player and you really were a benefit to the Yankees with your skills as a hitter and a fielder. Those skills will be wasted in losing efforts much like the 2013 season you suffered through.
But you still can count your precious money after the game. Enjoy it because it obviously means more to you than winning.