Here is what would the perfect scenario for Robin$on Cano’s return to Yankee Stadium tonight:
CC Sabathia gets Cano to roll over on a breaking pitch and he grounds the ball weakly to Brian Roberts at second base. Cano loafs out of the batter’s box because, after all, you have to protect your hamstrings at all times. But Roberts bobbles the ball and it squirts away. Cano sees the bobble and speeds up but Roberts recovers and nips him by a step at first base.
That would make Yankee fans get up off their feet for a standing ovation. It is tribute to your legacy as a Yankee after all.
Although the newest Seattle Mariners millionaire seems to believe he left the Bronx on good terms with the fans and his teammates, he is sorely mistaken.
Cano left the Yankees for two reasons: (1) He was jealous over the seven-year, $153 million contract for which the Yankees signed Jacoby Ellsbury. Ellsbury, in Cano’s mind, is an inferior player to him and Ellsbury was overpaid. (2) Cano was looking for a 10-year contract worth $310 million and he knew the Yankees were not going to give it to him.
So Cano did what any self-respecting money whore would do and jumped a plane to Seattle to meet with Mariners general manager Jack Zduriencik to tell him that he would sign for $240 million as long as he could get his 10-year deal. The Mariners agreed and Cano parted ways with the only team he had ever known.
Now things in Seattle are a lot different. While the Yankees routinely go to the playoffs and have a roster filled with All-Stars and Hall of Fame players, the Mariners roster is filled with free agents other teams don’t want and young players who have yet to show any true potential.
But Cano told reporters he loves Seattle because the fans are still hung over about the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl that they don’t really care about the Mariners winning so much. He also said that the atmosphere is less tense. That is so very good to know, Robin$on.
That means they can cheer you as you hit about 18 home runs and drive in 80 runs while hitting .290 and collecting your $24 million as they team barely wins 70 games year after year after year.
It also frees Robin$on to not get his uniform dirty diving for ground balls because the team is not going anywhere anyway. It also allows him to loaf around the bases as he loves to do because hustling just doesn’t make him look cool. The emphasis is always on looking cool out there.
I am sure Robin$on will set a great example to the young players on the Mariners who have never seen a World Series ring or even know what the playoffs are like unless they bought a ticket or tuned into a broadcast of one. They will see that keeping that uniform clean and not straining to hurt those quads or hamstrings so you can stay healthy enough to collect fat paychecks is the way to go.
Those young Mariners will be laughing from the dugout as Derek Jeter sprints hard to first base on that surgically repaired ankle on a routine come-backer to the pitcher. They will say, “Robin$on is right. Why hustle on a play like that when you are so obviously going to get thrown out 99 out of 100 times.”
Yes, you have to save that energy. There is spring training and 162 games to play. Plus, since we are not playing in October we get to rest up, eating all the nachos, wings and drinking all the beer we want before getting ready for the next season of failure.
So you got to protect those legs. You are no good to the team if you are hurt. Relax.
The fans don’t care either. They are only happy when “King Felix” tosses a shutout or Cano hits a double off the wall. Home runs are hard to come by at Safeco Field but doubles are like manna from heaven.
So there are no real hard feelings from the fans, Robin$on. Why should there be. The Yankees gave your number 24 to a journeyman infielder Scott Sizemore this spring. They signed a 36-year-old switch-hitter in Roberts who will actually bunt, dive, steal and hustle because he cares about the game he is playing right.
The Yankees also added a No. 3 hitter in Carlos Beltran who will occasionally hit the other way against a shift. He also has made a career of actually playing his best in the postseason. Beltran carries a .333 average with 16 home runs and 40 RBIs in only 180 at-bats in the postseason.
You, on the other hand, are hitting .222 with eight homers and 33 RBIs in 203 at-bats in the postseason. But, you are correct that you get paid the same whether you hit .333 or .222. So why sweat it?
All those days of less pressure are worth it when you are making good money to play a game that comes so easy to a talented player like yourself. The fact that you are playing with an organization that has not seen the postseason since 2001 and is not looking like it will be going back in the coming 10 years is good enough for you and good enough for those fans.
This October when you have nothing to do will give you plenty of time to count you money. Here is a tip for you, Robin$on. Have one of those young Mariners players count it for you while you soak in your hot tub in the palace you bought in Seattle.
Send out another one of those young players for the Pike Street Market to pick you up some fresh salmon. Then you have a another one of those youngsters cook it for you on your custom four-surface grill out by the pool. Then you can have some of those adoring Seattle female fans feed it to you while they gently fan you with some palm leaves.
Ahhhh! This Seattle life is just great for you Robin$on. No worries. No distractions. You make the Hall of Fame out here and you did not even have to really work for it as your team sinks to last each season.
We, the fans in the Bronx, wish you all the best, Robin$on. Those 10 years will go by quickly so please savor each one. By the way, the Yankees soon will be on television playing for the American League championship. You better have your big screen theater system properly installed for it.